Keheliya Rambukwella – "Aliens killed Lasantha"
Fri Jan 09, 2009 12:53pm BST
By Yufuld Mee Wans
COLOMBO, January 09 (Routers)
Sri Lanka government media spokesman Minister Dr Keheliya Rambukwella, made the shocking disclosure yesterday, of alien involvement in the assassination of Lasantha Wickremetunge.
"Aiyo, Lasantha was my dear and sincere friend and even though he called me all kinds of names like turncoat and liar, I always told him, the people would be the final judge, but I never expected the people to be from outer space!" he said.
"Lasantha is a true son of a bi—sorry, sorry... I meant 'the soil'"
" Please don't think I am mad, I have checked up and down with all our Government hit-squads and white van operators and none of them have owned up!, so see, see, it couldn't have been us no?". "Can't be Mervyn also, because at precisely that time, he was in his Porsche going looking for some other trouble maker, who was highlighting his involvement in the kudu business".
"It is quite clear now that it would have been impossible for 4 motorcycles with heavily armed, black garbed, black helmeted riders to have broken through the security cordon of the city in broad daylight" he said.
"Even more surprising, how did they get away? ","Tell me... how? how?" he asked the media present. "You know, four motorcyclists with guns would definitely have been spotted no!". " But now see, we have reports from a housemaid coming back home from Dubai on Mihin Lanka that she observed a space craft beaming up some people from the Dehiwela area just as the plane was landing". "See what a good thing we re-started Mihin, otherwise we would never have known the truth".
"It must be true because see, I say, everyone knows that aliens have big heads, and the people who saw Lasantha being attacked would have thought their big heads were helmets". "Anyway, most of the people on the road that day were still drunk after celebrating the glorious Killinochchi victory, so how can you trust these people ah?"
I am only sorry that we did not take the attack on the MTV station seriously". "It has only just now been reported, that the damage to MTV was caused by this same alien space-craft landing on top of their control room". "My investigative officers, Thompson & Thompson have told me that the aliens thought that the MTV control room was Lasantha's house".
"Chee, if I had known this earlier, I could have warned Lasantha, but unfortunately my officers could not report to me as they were busy getting their free sim cards from those Indian Cellular fellows Bhathiya & Airtel". " Because of this we are also investigating the possibility of an Indian plot to distract us from carrying out security operations in the city by offering these free sims". "You know, we SriLankans will take anything free no! So how can you expect these checkpoint boys to look the other way when some nice Airtel girl gives them a free sim?".
"Yes, yes definite Indian involvement " piped in Wimal Weerawansa who then proceeded to elaborate that he was at Ramani's getting his hair slicked when he heard the news and left the salon without waiting for them to trim his goatee, as he was worried that the aliens might be after him as well. He ruled out the possibility of a JVP hand in the incident by saying 'None of our cadres were involved as at that particular time, they were busy on their mobiles, SMS'ing votes for Sirasa Superstar and anyway our boys wear red, not black'. "We normally give only Rs 18,000/- for funeral expenses but I received a call from Nivard who told me that due to inflation and because we know the fellow so well, better to give Lasantha Rs 20,000/-, so we gave ah!" he further elaborated.
In the meantime quite oblivious to the reported alien incident, Minister Maithripala Sirisena reported to the media that the attack on Lasantha was carried out by Golden Key depositors who had mistaken Lasantha for Lalith Kotelawala.
Media Minister Anura Priyadarshana Yapa further confused reporters during his separate media briefing on the Lasantha incident, when he pointed out that none of this would have happened if Lasantha did not get married and go on his honeymoon to a Hotel in Hikkaduwa. "You know, Lasantha and Sonali were dancing next to Karuna and his girlfriend on 31st night no!" "Everybody should know what happens when you dance with Tigers".
Karuna, when approached by the media, issued a vehement denial, saying "Please don't tell these things in front of my wife, I don't have a girlfriend and I never danced with Lasantha".
None of the Rajapakse brothers were available for comment, but Kollupitiya residents did report the sound of loud music and the lighting of fire crackers till the wee hours of the morning.
Contributing Editor: Ahimsa Maithree