I, Gini Appuarachchige Sundarapillai Simon Saleem, better known as Gini Appu (as my initials aren't very flattering), hereby announce that I will take it upon myself to launch a Commission of Inquiry (COI) to investigate the alleged theft of cadju topi at the Kopi Kade.
As anybody who has ever drunk tap water will tell you, Cadju Topi, is second only to Parippu in the national diet and we cannot allow such an unfortunate incident to impact the nation's psyche.
However, given how Presidential Commissions of Inquiry have progressed, I have decided to handle the inquiry in a different manner. To begin with, there won't be a panel of interfering international observers, pesky commission members or plans to video conference witnesses. I have also asked Michael Moore, Desmond Tutu and Al Gore to mind their own business as we are quite capable of looking for Cadju Topi as we have been eating that (like we have eaten Parippu) for over 2,500 glorious years.
The whole matter will be handled by me and my dog ('Gal Bunnis'). Until such time as the report is produced by me, myself and I with the keen assistance and investigative might of GB (as I affectionately refer to Gal Bunnis), I urge all patriotic citizens, and anybody overseas that genuinely cares for Cadju Topi, to ask for more...